Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
