so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
