I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
