Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
