my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
