My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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