areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
