i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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