I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
