I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
