This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
And then he peed in my hair
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