If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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