I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
