I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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