I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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