I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
