did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
