Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
