I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
