Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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