so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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