Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
