I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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