When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
