I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
