Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize