I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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