I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
