Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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