I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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