I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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