There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
