This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize