So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
