i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
