Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
