I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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