I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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