I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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