My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
