It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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