I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
not ubering you a puppy
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
