just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
