After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
