24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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