I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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