She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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