Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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