My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
