I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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