I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
