I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
