my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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