U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Randomize
