Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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