Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
