WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
